A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Tag Archive: anything
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When sign makers go on
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Children and spouses
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
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Taking Care of Your
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.”Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman, “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?”With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
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The beach
One day at the beach there was this girl that did not have any
arms or legs and was crying.So that day this guy walks by her
and says is there anything wrong the girl says yes never been
kissed so he kissed her.The next day she was there crying again
so the guy walked by her and said is there something wrong the
gurl says yes never been huged
so the guy huged her.The next day he sees that girl crying so he
walks
by and says anything wrong the girl says yes never been fucked
so he picked her up and threw her in the water and said now
you’re fucked.
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Animals
There was this cat that went to heaven. When he got up there God asked him was there anything he could do for him to make his stay more plesent. The cat replied that he wanted a nice soft coushon for him to lie on because he was tired from being chased by dogs. God gave him the coushon and the cat went off. A few hours later 3 mice came. God asked them the same thing he asked the cat. The mice asked for a pair of rollerblades each because they have been chased by women with brooms all their life. God gave the rollerblades and they went off. Later that day God went to the cat to see how things were going. The cat said great and those meals on wheels were spectauler.
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Anything worth fighting for is
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
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If you don�t have anything nice to say�.
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor
told him, “You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students
observe Mauna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years.”
After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say
his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: “The bed is too hard.”
He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and
silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is
not good.”
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words
after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”
His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing anyway is
complaining.”
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Pennies And Seconds
A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his
own personal problems. The man couldn’t find the answers, so he sought help from
God.
“God? You there, God?” he asked.
“Yes. What is it, my son?” God answered.
“Mind if I ask a few questions?” the man asked.
“Go ahead, my son, anything.”
“God, what is a million years to you?”
God answered, “A million years to me is only a second.”
The man asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”
God replied, “A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.”
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. “God, can I have a
penny?”
God answered, “Sure, give me a second.”
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Another shower joke…
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”
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