A man appears before the Pearly Gates
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?”"
Tag Archive: Gates
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How It All Began…
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO”, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn’t Al Gore after all.
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Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven.
As he’s standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.
He’s dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around
his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move
through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, “Who was that?”
St. Peter answered “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”
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Death Wishes
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself”When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
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Heaven Can Wait
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears
horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She
asks St. Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes
drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled
into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go
to Hell.”
St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and
sodomized.”
She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”
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Gates & Lightbulb
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.
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Clinton & Pearly Gates
Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
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Lawyer at the Pearly Gates.
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter -
“Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”
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When Clinton Dies
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates
of Heaven.
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader
of the Free World.”
“Oh… Mr. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter.
“I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t
call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate
extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t
have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading,
but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’ because, as
far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK,
here�s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.
You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you
enter, you don’t have to “abandon all hope”; just don’t hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over!
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