I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage
by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he
can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more
than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and
close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple
shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction
boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.

III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.
They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide
the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem
is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give
him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and
fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for
cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the
cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared
with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing
you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After
all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he
is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to
get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better